I love Christmas! I love Santa, Christmas music, shopping, decorations, Polar Express, Christmas trees, gifting, cooking, and EVERYTHING that comes with it! I JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS! I guess some would say I am a Christmas freak! They wouldn’t be wrong! Hahaha. I can’t express how happy I feel during this time of year; like a child really. Now that Christmas is upon us, I have been a busy bee with presents and cooking and watching movies in my Christmas PJ’s all cuddled up with fuzzy blankets and hot chocolate. Christmas has always come with so many wonderful memories. That is why this season is just so important to me.
I have been listening to Christmas music and planning presents since July. It is serious business, this Christmas thing, and I take my enjoyment of it VERY seriously. I made great plans to put aside my sickness and all the worries that came with it during this holiday season. I mean, I have the rest of the year to worry about it, right? But as life does not consult me on these matters, fear has filtered in through my cloak of hope and joy this holiday season. But this time, it wasn’t concerning me, but a loved one.
I have had many years now to consider my illness and mortality. Those considerations have been an education, to say the least. What I have learned, and how it has shaped me as a person, has been the one true gift of heart failure. As trifling as it sounds, I have found on my journey all that is really important to me in life – what I should concentrate my efforts on, and what I should let go of. When you are not sure how much time you have left, you seem to focus your energy on the things that bring you joy, are useful, and may help others. You discover what your life’s purpose really is; accept and appreciate all you have accomplished, and love who you became as a person in (or despite of) those efforts – and miraculously amongst it all, you somehow find peace. I am thankful for all these realizations. That is something else! You learn that in everything, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for! All of this “realizing” is no easy feat, however; and trying to relay those epiphanies to someone else, even more so.
I have a close family member, who is now going through their own journey with illness. They do not have heart failure as I do, but it is a grave illness. I won’t mention who it is, or what it is, as I do not have their permission to do so, and I want to respect their privacy. I will say that being the person going through the rollercoaster of illness, is much different than watching someone you love do the same. I am witnessing all the emotions I went through and all the stages of grief that comes with a diagnosis. I want to help them by having them skip through some of the stages – especially the ones I got stuck on so long like “Denial and Anger.” I have tried to be helpful in offering advice, but I have come to realize that my walk, is not their walk – and the truth of the matter is, that we all walk alone on this journey. Unfortunately, it is an isolating feeling. No matter how loving, and good-intentioned your family, spouse, and friends are, they cannot understand how it feels to face mortality and leave them behind. There is guilt that comes with that. There is fear in not really knowing where you are heading. And there is a sadness that life doesn’t feel “complete” yet.
It really is horrible timing to have this illness diagnosed at Christmas. There are so many waves of emotions that cycle (and then recycle) when you first receive the diagnosis, and those emotions become “all-consuming.” I really want them to find some happiness during this season with family and friends, but I know that will be difficult at this early stage. I can’t change the timing, but what I can do is tell them I love them; encourage them to fight with all they have, and then remind them of the wonderful and fulfilling life they have had. I can try to release some of that guilt by letting them know that their choice for treatment is their choice alone, and I will support them on whatever they choose. And finally, to let them know that no matter what, there are people here who will miss them, but there are also people who have missed them, and are waiting for them elsewhere. It is comforting to feel like wherever you end up, love and “open arms” are waiting for you.
My Christmas wish to them is finding the strength to stay optimistic that they will have the best outcome possible; and if that best-case scenario doesn’t happen, finding peace with whatever happens. But also to feel that life has been such an adventure (good and bad) and was simply a beautiful and wondrous ride: in short, they had a journey lived well. Knowing this and really feeling this, is such a gift. Honestly, that is my Christmas wish for all of you.
May you find peace, joy and love this holiday, and always. Merry Christmas.